Body Image: Giving Myself A Break

If you've been following me for a while, you might have seen my last post about body image, where I talked quite openly about how low I had been feeling about my body.

Well, let me tell you. Two years on, and things aren't that much different.

The thing is, I've had body-confidence issues since I was roughly 15, which looking back, I know is incredibly young to start worrying about how fat or thin you are, or why you look the way you do. At school, I was always incredibly self-conscious of the fact that the other girls in my year were very slender, and I was the girl with big boobs and big hips, and slightly chunkier thighs than everyone else. Not necessarily 'fat' or anything, just... different. And at the age of 15, different is enough.

Fast-forward nine years later, and I still struggle. I've probably tried every diet and technique you can think of. I have periods of days, weeks, months where I hate what I see in the mirror. Going shopping for clothes for nights out stresses me out no end because all I can see in my head is the skimpy, tight-fitting dresses looking ridiculous on my body. (To the point where I was in tears whilst shopping for something for the office Christmas party and Dan didn't quite know what to do with me. Poor bugger.) And I still haven't put the oversized jumpers away, mostly because I can't face going back to the pretty dresses that I usually wear because I just don't think they look quite right.

It's often hard to rationalise and articulate how you feel about your body because your thoughts get so intertwined in your head, and it's such a personal thing that when it comes out, it doesn't make much sense to anyone else. But the best way I can describe it is that I have this idea in my head of how I should look. And that doesn't marry with what I do look like. I can't quite own my big boobs and curvy hips because I've still got my 15 year old self, who was 'different', somewhere in the back of my brain telling me that I'm not good enough to wear the bodycon dress.

And that sucks.

Especially when in reality, I know I'm not different, because no two bodies are the same. And no shape is less beautiful than another. I also know that when my two year old niece is older, I'll harp on to her no end about how being kind and loving and generous are so much more important than how you look. So why can't I give myself a break?

I think everyone is their own worst enemy. We self-criticise constantly, and we care so much about how others perceive us that we forget how to love ourselves.

So, I've recently decided to start loving myself more. By eating proper, healthy food, not just whatever I can grab. Pampering myself more often. Dressing in clothes I love without wondering what other people will think, and just wearing it because I love it. And accepting the fact that okay, maybe it isn't practical for me to wear shirts because you know, buttons. I'm not the only one.

Please, if any of this relates to you, try to do the same. You're beautiful. Okay?

Love,
Sian xo