On Being Single

It's been six months since I, suddenly and without much warning, found myself single. And it's the longest period of time that I've been single for since I was 17.

Once I'd got over the initial shock and heartbreak of my relationship ending, I soon started to panic. Oh shit, I have to be single. I've never really done that as an adult before. How will I cope? Being out in that world on your own, without the comfort and security of a boyfriend is, to put it bluntly, terrifying.

But I didn't really have a choice. Another relationship just wasn't an option for me. I needed time to heal and restore my faith in the male population. I just had to try to muddle through.

It's been bloody hard at times. Things like sorting myself out after having a panic attack, or not having someone there to give me a cuddle or listen to me rant after a bad day. Seeing my friends going on holiday or celebrate anniversaries with their other halves has been difficult, because I've felt like I've been missing out by not having that.

But at the same time, being single has been so freeing. For the first time in a long time, I've been able to be a little bit selfish. I've made decisions about my future that are based on what is best for me, without having to consider someone else. I'm now about to move in with one of my best friends, starting a new adventure in a new city, and that wouldn't have been able to happen if I was still in a relationship.

I've learned a hell of a lot more about self-worth in recent months too. For a long time, I've always needed to be loved by someone, and I think now that was a way of self-validation, and I always felt like my sense of worth had to come from a boyfriend. But now, I've learned that self-worth can only come from me (and yes that sounds obvious but sometimes you don't necessarily know the obvious until it really slaps you in the face) and I like to think that my self-confidence is starting to grow, bit by bit.

I have so much more time for my friends, which is amazing. I can see them more often, and spend as much time with them as I want without feeling guilty that I might be prioritising them over my partner and how that might make him feel.

The last six months have been difficult at times, and being single has been a tough adjustment to make. To me, having two serious relationships fail before I'd even turned 22 meant that I was a failure, that something was intrinsically wrong with me and I was unlovable. It's taken me a long time to realise that isn't true and I just haven't met the right person yet.

And that's okay.

Even now, being single can be difficult. I'm still learning how to be single, really. I was recently on a night out and on being told by a guy that I'm hot, I laughed because I thought he was joking! I clearly haven't learned how to flirt. Hopefully when I do eventually meet someone, he'll love me despite that...

I still have a little way to go before I can get into another relationship. I need to rebuild some of my self-confidence and learn how to trust people again.

But it just goes to show that you're always stronger than you think you are in what you think will be a nightmare situation. And, as much as it surprises me to say it, I'm okay. Being single is okay. I'm actually kind of enjoying it.

I'd love to hear your experiences! Feel free to pop a comment below.

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo