Dear Anxiety

Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Dear Anxiety,

Remember the first day we met? I do. I remember it so vividly that it could have been yesterday. You crept into my life one day, like some kind of poisonous gas. I couldn't see you, hear you, nothing. I had no idea you were about to take hold and turn my whole world upside down.

All I wanted to do was go to my lecture. That was all. Something I'd done a million and one times before and I had no clue that today would be any different.

You took hold quickly, and your timing was impeccable. That certainly never changed. You completely took over my body and my mind. Suffocated me. Controlled me. Built up a barrier in my mind that I just couldn't get over. You sent awful thoughts racing through my brain and sent my heart racing so fast that I thought it was going to explode right out of my chest.

My first panic attack. The first of so, so many. You, Anxiety, completely took over my life. You and your buddy, Depression. Together, you warped my brain and changed me into someone that I didn't recognised. I used to be outgoing and sociable, but you changed all that. Day in, day out, I spent living in fear, with your nasty little voice in my head. Whispering. Telling me that something awful was going to happen if I even stepped outside my front door. That I wasn't worthy. That I didn't deserve my friends, my place at uni, nothing. And I listened. I listened to every disgusting word you said and I internalised it. It was engrained in my head. And that almost destroyed me. Almost.

It took a long time, but eventually with a lot of help, I began to fight back. I wasn't going to let you jeopardise everything that I'd worked so hard for. You weren't going to control my life anymore. I didn't want to believe the lies you told me. I was done with having a meltdown every time I went on a night out, or had to go into work. And day by day, I started to get a little bit stronger.

You weren't giving up that easily though, were you Anxiety? You're persistent, I'll give you that. Even now, you won't leave me alone. You keep coming back, filling my brain with irrational thoughts, making me scared of everything. You keep threatening everything.

But you know what Anxiety, I'll never let you destroy me again. No way. I am stronger than you. I am loved. I am worthy. And you are not going to control me.


Sian

3 comments:

  1. Very powerful post. You're right in what you say, anxiety just creeps upon you like a poisonous gas. I hope you're OK.

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    1. Thank you for reading Rach! It was a difficult post to write but I'm glad it's resonated with at least one person! xo

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  2. It's posts like this that make me feel less alone - my experience is very similar to yours and it wasn't until recently that I truly learnt the extent of just how much I was suffering, as well as how it had taken control of my life and who I was. You are most definitely very strong and brave!! x

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