Miss Independent

I haven't ever been very good at the whole being by myself thing. Up until very recently, I've almost always had someone to completely lean on, someone on hand to call or hug whenever I've had a panic attack or a bad day. And if I'm being completely honest, I've probably relied on those people too much, and I'm pretty sure that reliance is what has caused those relationships to break down.

Well, no more. The walls are well and truly up. For the first time since I was 17, I'm on my own for the foreseeable future and that's something that I'm really not used to. I've always thought of myself as an independent person, but the situation that I've found myself in has shown me that actually, I'm quite the opposite.

I've found it's the little things that are the most difficult. Like finding yourself with no plans for a Sunday afternoon and wondering how you're going to cope with spending a day on your own.

Or being ill, or having a panic attack, and it suddenly dawning on you that there's no one around to look after you or calm you down, except you. Even silly things get to me, like the other day when I slipped in the shower. I whacked my head and twisted my ankle as I went down, and had a little cry just because I realised that there was no one to come running up the stairs when they heard me scream, hold an ice pack to my head or even just give me a hug. Which sounds ridiculous, I know. But it reminded me of how lonely I was.

I'm working on it though. Slowly. I'm heading into what will probably be the busiest four months ever, with a hell of a lot of uni work to do, as well as holding down a part time job and keeping up with blogging. When I've found that I had a day to myself, I've just thrown myself into planning blog posts, or getting the ball rolling on my final project. And it makes me feel so good knowing that I've spent my day being productive, rather than feeling sorry for myself. Although believe it or not, I'm starting to enjoy my own company, spending my free evenings watching TV or reading with a hot chocolate. It can be quite nice to have the time to myself, doing what I fancy doing and not having to take someone else into consideration.

Slowly, I'm becoming more and more independent. When my depression is being a bitch and I'm feeling low, I find a way to cheer myself up, by doing my nails or watching funny YouTube videos, rather than waiting for someone to do it for me. Instead of seeing a day by myself as something awful, I look at it as a chance to either get a tonne of work done, or to have a little bit of me-time.

More than anything, I think I needed to prove to myself that I can and will look after myself. That I don't need to be reliant on anyone else, and I'm taking steps to becoming stronger and happier.

I even cook for myself on a daily basis now. If that isn't independence, I don't know what is.

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo