I'm A Little Bit Lost

I'm one of those people who likes to plan. Always have been, probably always will be. My diary sticks by my side at all times because otherwise I have no idea what I'm doing or when I'm doing it. I plan dates with friends, I plan when I'm doing uni work down to the hour, I plan outfits a week in advance.

And I've always had a plan for my future. Ever since I was five, I've known that I wanted to write, and although the plan has varied slightly, it's always been there. I will go to university, I will move to a big city, I will write. And so far, it's worked out pretty well for me.

Recently though, as the end of university draws ever-closer, I've found myself in a panic. If anyone read my When I Grow Up post, you might know that journalism has been thrown into question for me. But since then, I've not really had any of idea what I want to do with my life. And with the dreaded "So what's your plan for after uni?" being thrown at me left right and centre, my stress levels around the subject have only increased. Especially since the only constant, decisive factor I had has gone.

It seems that as I've got older, my future has become increasingly uncertain. When I was 18, I knew that I was going to be married at 22, babies at 24 or 25, get a comfortable job at a local newspaper, and that would be that. I now know that would have been completely the wrong path for me, but I'm now 22 and at a completely loose end, and that's something that I've never ever experienced before.

In a way, it's exciting. I can go anywhere or be anything. I have nothing tying me to a person, place or job. But after a lifetime of having your future mapped out, when you all of a sudden find yourself without a plan, it's pretty daunting.

I never would have thought five years ago that I'd be in the position I'm in now, about to graduate, moving back in with my mum in the next few months, and having absolutely no idea what's going to happen next. I thought I had planned so meticulously that it would all just fall into place. But it would seem that it just doesn't work that way.

Life happens. Things change, your interests change, people come into your life that seem to change everything, and they can leave again. Sometimes you just have to scrap your plan and go back to the drawing board. And that's okay.

One thing has remained constant for me, though. Writing. I love to write. It's the only thing that I don't have to plan, I can just take a concept out of thin air and then let the words flow. It's the only thing that I've remained passionate about. What form that will take, who knows.

Yep, I'm a little bit lost right now. I have absolutely no idea what the hell I'm doing, I'm just going to muddle through as best I can and maybe somewhere along the way, I'll work it out. Maybe, for now, being a little bit lost is all right.

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo