Heartbreak

Monday, 25 January 2016

I've seen the word "heartbreak" thrown around a lot, especially recently. We're heartbroken when a relationship ends, we're heartbroken when a celebrity we admire passes away, we're heartbroken when Tesco has sold out of our favourite flavour of ice-cream. All sad situations, yes. All with different levels of heartbreak.

It hasn't been until really recently that I've finally understood what the word heartbreak really means. The whole experience has been exhausting, painful and completely incomprehensible. And at the minute, the only way I can think of to make sense of the whole thing is to write about it. Whether or not I post it remains to be seen. But maybe by getting it all out in words, I can start to work through it.

(Little disclaimer: I'm not trying to dismiss the way anyone else deals with heartbreak. I know it's a very personal thing and we all react differently. I'm just talking about what it's been like for me in the last couple of weeks.)

Heartbreak isn't sitting in bed screaming and crying and tearing up photographs. I mean, maybe there was screaming and crying for the first few days. But it soon becomes apparent that screaming, crying, or anything else dramatic you may do won't make you feel any better. Nor will it bring back what you've lost.

Heartbreak is like a constant dull ache right in the depths of your chest. This ache is relentless. There's no eradicating it, only numbing it for a brief period of time. Believe me, I've tried everything to eradicate it. I've thrown myself into uni work, I've done more hours at work, I've cleaned the house from top to bottom. Nothing has worked. The pain might stop while you're immersed in your task, or with friends who make you laugh, but as soon as the house is clean, or your friends leave, the ache is there again, no less fierce than before.

Heartbreak is feeling like you're on auto-pilot. You go through the motions, trying to get on with daily life. Everything seems to be going fine, until heartbreak stops you in your tracks and makes you break down. It's pretty good at doing that. And as much as you don't want to give in to it, you want to carry on with your day as normal but feeling like this is so unbearable, you don't know if you can even get through the next hour.

Heartbreak is realising what you took for granted. It's never wanting to see the person who hurt you again, but it's also wanting to see them more than anything else in the world. Just to see them. To memorise every little detail about them, to remember how it felt when you were happy, and to hold on to that until heartbreak loosens its grip on you.

Heartbreak is missing the little things. It's coming back to an empty house and finding that it's so much colder than it used to be. Or getting two mugs out of the cupboard when you're making coffee on a Saturday morning... then remembering that you only need the one. Heartbreak is watching a TV show that you both used to love and all of a sudden not being able to bear it because it just isn't the same. Or not being able to sleep on their side of the bed, just because it's still theirs.

Heartbreak is replaying the same moments over and over again in your head. Spending hours lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and wondering what you could have done differently. Going over the happiest times and being willing to give anything to go back to feeling that way again.

Heartbreak is knowing that your life isn't ever going to be the same again, and that there isn't a single thing you can do about it. It's knowing that you'll be okay in the end, but at this point in time, seeing no light at the end of the tunnel. For now, the only thing you can do is give yourself time to hurt and try to move on. Which is exactly what I'm trying to do.

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo




Getting Out of My Body Image Slump

Monday, 11 January 2016

It's become a daily routine. I get out of bed, and go to the full-length mirror that we have in our spare bedroom. Lift up my t-shirt. How flat is my tummy today? Not very. It never is. Shouldn't have agreed to takeaway last night. Stupid girl.

Still got those tree-trunk thighs. And why are my hips so big?!

I can spend a good five or ten minutes stood in front of the mirror, analysing every lump and bump, every stretch mark, every little bit of me, wondering why all the little bits that I despise haven't disappeared overnight. Then I have to choose an outfit for the day that agrees with how fat or skinny I'm feeling that day. The whole process is painstaking.

Recently, I stopped in my tracks as I pulled out another jeans-and-jumper combination. What was I doing? This isn't me. I'm usually a fan of pretty, girly dresses. Now, here I was, so ashamed of my body that I was hiding behind baggy clothes.

The thing is, I've never been a particularly "big" girl. I've been a size 12 since I was around 15 years old, and up until now, I've been very much okay with that. I've never been an unhealthy weight or been at risk. And recently, when I've mentioned to friends or family that I've been feeling rubbish about the way I look, it very quickly gets dismissed. "Oh, don't be silly Sian," they say, "You don't need to lose any weight. You suit your size."

I don't know where it has come from, but it seems as though unless you're classed as "overweight", you should just be happy with your body, and you have no right to express the fact that you are self-conscious, or your confidence is low. Because you look okay through someone else's eyes, you should also look okay through your own.

Let me tell you now. That. Isn't. True.

Whether you're a size six, twelve or twenty-two, you are allowed to have low self-esteem. Whether you're medically seen as overweight, underweight, or somewhere in between, you are allowed to feel low about your body. Your feelings are no less valid. Okay?

I'm in no way saying that this is a positive way of thinking. In an ideal world, we'd all strut around like the demigods and goddesses that we are, confident in the knowledge that we are beautiful and perfectly made. But what I'm personally fed up of is having my thoughts about my body image dismissed because I'm a "normal" size.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that my low self-esteem has been affecting my whole life. Not only the clothes I wear, but it's been having a serious effect on my relationship with Luke, my social life and just the way that I carry myself. And I can't let this keep holding me back. I just can't.

For me, the way to overcome my poor body image has been to take control, and change my thinking. I've joined Weight Watchers, and lost four pounds in my first week, which has already been a massive confidence-boost. But it goes beyond losing weight. It's about my clothes fitting better, thinking more about the food that I'm eating, becoming fitter and healthier by doing exercise that I love, nourishing my body... and eventually, being happy in my skin again. The confidence will follow. I'm determined to get out of my body image slump and get back to being my old self again.

So, my beautiful readers, my message to you is to own your body. As long as you're healthy and happy, don't let anyone else dismiss your feelings, or tell you what to do with your body. If you're a size 8 and want to join the gym to build some muscle, you do it. If you're a size 14 and want to cut out junk food, well done you! If you're a size 20 and love yourself completely, you go girl!

Love yourself, everyone. Okay?

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo


Inspirational Ladies

Sunday, 10 January 2016
I'm one of those people who finds it very easy to lose their way when life gets difficult. I get all fuzzy-headed, my irrational thoughts take over and I pretty much give up on everything.

Sound familiar? I'd have thought a lot of you have had at least one moment where you've felt this way. Luckily, I have a handful of lovely ladies who I really look up to, and can draw inspiration from when I'm feeling less than optimistic, whether it's about uni, blogging, my mental health, or just general life!

For today's post, I thought I'd spread the love! I'm going to tell you a little bit about my inspirational ladies and what they mean to me. Then I challenge you to think about the women who inspire and support you, and share the love with them!

Mum

I couldn't even consider putting this post up without mentioning my mum first. (Spoiler alert, I'm a real mummy's girl!) My mum's been my absolute rock for almost 22 years, and she's become my best friend in the world. Her support has been unwavering, even when I've made mistakes. When I first told her that I was suffering from depression and anxiety, not a bit of her emotion was anger or disappointment, just pure love and support. Even though she's been through some really dark times herself, her first priority has always been her children, and even now I know that she has done everything that she could for us. I don't think enough people can say that about their mothers, so I count myself extremely lucky. If I'm even half as good a mum as she is, I'll be happy.


Sarah

I've known Sarah since I was five years old, and she's been stuck with me ever since! She's basically like a godmother, big sister and auntie all rolled into one. She's probably the most selfless person I've ever met, she provides so much support to so many, even if it means forgoing her own needs. (I have told her to think of herself more. She doesn't listen.) Sarah has been through a lot, she's waited so long to have a baby, and now she's got Eloise, it makes me so happy to see her life completed by her little girl. Finally, something for herself! 


Rae

Rae is one of the wisest ladies you could ever meet. She's in her mid-90s, and has so much life experience that whatever you're struggling with, she'll have a story to uplift you and help you to remember that everything will always be okay in the end. I could sit and talk to her for hours, and you can't help but come away from a conversation with Rae with a smile on your face!


Fii

Well, I couldn't not mention a few bloggers! I'm lucky enough to have Fii as one of my closest friends outside the blogosphere, she's the one who gave me the kick up the bum that I needed to start my own blog! I'm always going to be so grateful to her for that. She's come so far in the last year, and I'm so proud that she's back in a place where she's her happy, adorable little self again! She's one of my biggest examples of coming out the other side of a dark time and still being awesome! 


Jemma

Jemma from Dorkface probably gets mentioned in this kind of post daily, purely because she's the coolest person ever, despite being a self-confessed dork! But to me, she's particularly inspirational because she's a hugely popular blogger, but doesn't even know it. She was so lovely to me when I first started and is nothing but supportive to each and every person that she comes across. And when she created #TheGirlGang, that just proved further what a wonderful, selfless person she is. If I could spend my days uplifting people like she does, I'd be a happy girl!


Amie

Amie is just an absolute sweetheart. I don't think I've ever come across a more genuine lady, ever. She's another who has been through some pretty turbulent times, but is finally in a place where she's happy, with a husband and a home and basically, she's got her life together! She's such a lovely person to chat to, and the perfect reminder that no matter how difficult life can get, you can be happy!


Who are the inspirational people in your life?

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo

Birthday Wishlist

Friday, 8 January 2016
Mug: Cath Kidston
Lipstick: Benefit
Purse: Accessorize
Perfume: Chloe


You know the problem with having a January birthday? You've barely got the Christmas tree down, and you're yet to find homes for all your lovely new presents from Santa. And when you get the dreaded text from a family member asking what you'd like for your birthday, you have to sit on the Internet for a good couple of hours trying to put together your birthday wishlist!

My 22nd birthday is only three weeks away, and I know that time will fly by between university deadlines. When I sat down to do this wishlist, I really struggled to think of things to put on it! Luckily, my mum learned early on not to go too crazy at Christmas and get me everything that my heart desired, so Benefit's lipstick in Wingwoman is still on my wishlist! It's a gorgeous, natural looking shade which will be perfect for more barely-there make up days so I know I'll get my use out of it!

Anyone who's been to my house will tell you that my kitchen is pure floral. (When Luke brought home a mug from work that wasn't floral and put it in the kitchen cupboard, I had a little diva-fit. Sorry not sorry.) I love the floral mugs from Cath Kidston, the prints are so adorable and they're the perfect size for my morning cuppa (No tiny cups for me!) One of my current collection has chipped so a new one would be amazing!

I fell in love with this beautiful purse from Accessorize instantly. My current purse is starting to get really tatty and scruffy so I'm definitely ready for a new one. The pale pink on this one is gorgeous and I love the dainty edging!

Roses de Chloe is the biggest splurge on the wishlist, and I'm not usually bothered about expensive perfume, but I was wandering around the counters in John Lewis with a friend just before Christmas and found this one in its pretty bottle and thought I'd died and gone to perfume heaven! I love sweet smelling fragrances and this one is feminine and flowery without being too overpowering. I'd definitely save this one for special occasions though!

I'll count myself a very lucky girl if I'm treated to any of these goodies on my birthday! Are any of you January or even December babies?! Do you have the same problems having a birthday so close to Christmas?

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo

Review: Moone Boy

Wednesday, 6 January 2016
Photo: sky.com

It's one of my rare days off, and I'm spending it in my pjs, with a cup of tea in hand, watching a lot of TV. I've caught up on Made In Chelsea, and finished the last series of Desperate Housewives (which I'm devastated about, I'm not emotionally ready to talk about it okay). What now?

I'm flicking through the Sky Box Sets, and come across Moone Boy. I've been wanting to watch it for ages, mostly because I've got a bit of a thing for Chris O'Dowd. (who doesn't love an Irish accent and facial fuzz?!)

Chris O'Dowd has written and stars in Moone Boy, a semi-autobiographical series about a pre-teen boy growing up in a tiny town in Ireland in the late 1980s. Throughout all of the twists and turns that life as a 12 year old brings, Martin Moone has his imaginary friend Sean Murphy (O'Dowd) by his side to help him make his way in the world.

I think the perfect word to describe Moone Boy is charming. It's a real testament to Chris O'Dowd's talent as a writer and actor, with witty dialogue and utterly relatable stories and characters. The concept is pretty simple, a series about an ordinary boy going through ordinary parts of his life, but it is done in such a way that just makes you giggle and say "yep, I remember that!"

One of my favourite aspects of the programme is the relationship between Martin and Sean Murphy, which is just plain adorable. Sean is Martin's source of comfort, advice and reassurance, but because he is obviously an object of Martin's imagination, Sean can often be as clueless and naive as Martin, which just makes it more funny!

I've only watched Series 1 so far, but Moone Boy is fast becoming one of my favourite shows ever. I love the way it's been written, and how likeable the main characters are. It's so easy to binge watch, and I could definitely see watching Moone Boy becoming my new favourite way to procrastinate!

Have you ever seen Moone Boy?

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo

Lush Bath Bomb vs. Bubble Bar

Monday, 4 January 2016


I love Lush as much as the next blogger. Maybe even more. I'm actually currently on a Lush ban because I'm trying to save for driving lessons and I've been known to spend an obscene amount of money if I let myself wander in.

During my last visit to the store in Sheffield city centre, I got chatting to one of the sales assistants, who asked me "Are you a bath bomb girl or a bubble bar girl?" (It wasn't as creepy as it sounds!) And I honestly didn't know! Cue blog post inspiration! I bought one of each and decided to put them both to the test and see which one came out on top.

The bath bomb that I chose was Yog Nog, which was a yellow bomb with a cinder toffee scent. I LOVE cinder toffee, so I couldn't wait to get this one home to try it. It looks a bit weird when it turns the bath water bright yellow, but smells incredible! Lush actually tweeted me saying that Yog Nog is like "a big warm hug in a bath bomb" and that pretty much hits the nail on the head!



When I spotted the Magic Wand Bubble Bar, I just couldn't resist it! (It's since sadly gone into the sale, sob) It's a little more expensive than a bath bomb, but it's reusable which I really like! It's really sweet-smelling, kind of like candy floss, and as I was running my bath Luke said that he could smell it all the way from downstairs. I was a bit skeptical about whether or not it'd make many bubbles, but I was pleasantly surprised, I was left with plenty of bubbles and it smelled heavenly!




My verdict? I think I'm definitely a bubble bar girl. Don't get me wrong, I love a bath bomb, but there's something about a bubble bath which is just so relaxing, and I love how you can use them more than once. I can't wait to try more bubble bars from Lush's range! (Once I've paid for my first round of driving lessons...)

What about you? Do you prefer bath bombs or bubble bars?

Love,
Sian Kathrine xo